Atlantic Bridge 3 – 5 Shoot to Score
Bridge push league leaders all the way, but narrowly miss out on play-off glory.
In the late-nineteenth century, as the British Empress, Queen Victoria ruled over a quarter of the surface of the globe. Allegedly, the sun never set on her Empire, and in Africa it stretched from Cairo in the north, to the Cape in the south. But it was here in the land that we know today as South Africa, that the Anglo-Zulu War shook the British Empire to its very foundations. I am sure that The Elbow understands much better than I do the causes of the war, but what I do know is that at the Battle of Isandlwana, an army of Zulus, armed with nothing more than particularly sharp slices of mango and lukewarm bowls of sour coconut milk, vanquished a garrison of British soldiers, armed to the teeth with the latest military technology and tactics.
Last Sunday, the Bridge played like the Zulus. Having killed his first lion with his bare hands the week before, Bryan “Mango” Robson made his debut for the Bridge, and everyone was delighted by administrative error in Monrovia, which enabled The Elbow to assume his usual role between the sticks. But despite these boo (which I really want to be the plural of the word boon) our coconut-milk-skills seemed set to be no match for the military might of our opponents. Based on their ruthless efficiency on the pitch, I am pretty sure that their name “Shoot to Score” had something to do with a Gattling Gun.
But the Bridge’s backs-to-the-wall heroics matched the Zulus’ at Isandlwana. In defence, wave after wave of our enemy’s attacks were repelled by the talismanic Terrier and the Girlfriend. While at the other end, Laurent Blanc and Casanova flowed forward like sweet Tiptree preserves flowing over the sides of a lightly crimped crumpet. The Engine opened up her account for the season with a clinically taken finish, Laurent Blanc scored a deserved thunderbolt, and the Blunderbuss capitalized on an incisive through-ball from Born to Be, to put real pressure on the evil British / Shoot to Score.
But in the Anglo-Zulu War, after their scare at Isandlwana, the British Army called up significant reinforcements, and finally re-established their military superiority. And last Sunday, although with only 1 minute left on the clock, the Bridge were within 1 goal of the most famous upset since Sarah Palin won a high-school geography competition, Shoot to Score eventually mustered their forces, and stamped out the impudent uprising, with a final, fifth and decisive goal in the game’s dying embers.
It was a cruel, playoff-dream-shattering blow for the Bridge Zulus, but it was one from which they quickly bounced back, with the post-game barbecue, graciously organized by the newly-appointed (perhaps unwittingly) triumvirate of Social Secretaries: the Terrier, Mango and Casanova. The bitter taste of defeat was soon subsumed by the exquisite aroma of Laurent Blanc’s garlic-infused guacamole, and the ever-Narcissistic Blunderbuss soon forgot about the recent loss, when he learned that his goal put him only one behind Casanova in the race for the Golden Boot.
But Sunday will always be remembered by the Zulu people as the day on which the Atlantic Bridge gave the military might of the British Empire the fright of its life. (Well, that, and also the day that we invented an awesome new game called “Trolley Tennis” in the Safeway car park).
The North Korea Democratically-Elected Player of the Match Award: Jessie Wild
Tuesday 6 July 2010
Monday 14 June 2010
Three Points!
Atlantic Bridge 7 – 5 Netkix
The Bridge come from behind to earn first win of the campaign.
My old P.E. teacher used to say, “You don’t play sport to get fit. You get fit to play sport”. And hence Atlantic Bridge held its first training session of the season last Thursday evening. By which I mean that late drop-outs from The Elbow and Garrincha ensured that Clean Sheets and The Blunderbuss spent most of the session playing keep-ups with a Mexican man called Alejandro. Laurent Blanc’s characteristically laid-back arrival time meant that there was at least a brief flirtation with a 2-on-2 game, but to be honest, most of the time was spent talking about France and England’s slim chances of World Cup glory.
On the back of such an intense work-out, it is little wonder that the Bridge began yesterday’s game against Netkix in dynamic style, taking an early 2-goal lead through The Blunderbuss and Casanova. A Green-esque moment of goalkeeping on the part of The Elbow saw Netkix draw level, but a clinical finish from the returning Jessie “Born to Be” Wild soon restored the Bridge’s lead.
The match was so exciting that I can’t remember the score at half-time, but I do remember Netkix taking the lead at one point, and thinking “Oh no! Netkix just took the lead”. But then we scored another couple of goals and I thought “Hooray! We are back in the lead against Netkix!” But the most exciting moment of the “match” came when The Elbow launched a ball straight from his own goal-line into a basketball hoop down at the other end of the field – without a shadow of doubt the most exquisite display of skill* I have ever witnessed in any sport ever.
With the scores possibly tied at 5-5, a theatrical and elaborate dive (thanks to Transylvania for the link) from The Blunderbuss earned a controversial penalty, which he rather shakily converted, and a second goal from Casanova gave the Bridge a two goal cushion. 10 minutes of gritty, resolute defending by the female quartet of The Girlfriend, Clean Sheets, Born to Be, and a hungover Wondergoal – who collectively looked as sweet and innocent as you might expect a Bach string quartet to look, but tackled as ferociously as you might expect Destruction, Holy Moses or some other Teutonic Thrash Metal band to tackle – earned the first W of the season.
I have never listened to Teutonic Thrash Metal.
There are more colours [sic.] in our league table than there are teams, and I understand it about as well as I understand every American’s obsession with Chick-Fil-A, but on the surface it does seem that we are now in a rather heroic 5th place out of 9 teams (if you include the two teams Finals and Semis, which I think we should).
The North Korea Democratically-Elected Player of the Match Award: For the most amazing three-pointer that has ever been or will ever be scored: Ben Elberger
* For skill, read luck
The Bridge come from behind to earn first win of the campaign.
My old P.E. teacher used to say, “You don’t play sport to get fit. You get fit to play sport”. And hence Atlantic Bridge held its first training session of the season last Thursday evening. By which I mean that late drop-outs from The Elbow and Garrincha ensured that Clean Sheets and The Blunderbuss spent most of the session playing keep-ups with a Mexican man called Alejandro. Laurent Blanc’s characteristically laid-back arrival time meant that there was at least a brief flirtation with a 2-on-2 game, but to be honest, most of the time was spent talking about France and England’s slim chances of World Cup glory.
On the back of such an intense work-out, it is little wonder that the Bridge began yesterday’s game against Netkix in dynamic style, taking an early 2-goal lead through The Blunderbuss and Casanova. A Green-esque moment of goalkeeping on the part of The Elbow saw Netkix draw level, but a clinical finish from the returning Jessie “Born to Be” Wild soon restored the Bridge’s lead.
The match was so exciting that I can’t remember the score at half-time, but I do remember Netkix taking the lead at one point, and thinking “Oh no! Netkix just took the lead”. But then we scored another couple of goals and I thought “Hooray! We are back in the lead against Netkix!” But the most exciting moment of the “match” came when The Elbow launched a ball straight from his own goal-line into a basketball hoop down at the other end of the field – without a shadow of doubt the most exquisite display of skill* I have ever witnessed in any sport ever.
With the scores possibly tied at 5-5, a theatrical and elaborate dive (thanks to Transylvania for the link) from The Blunderbuss earned a controversial penalty, which he rather shakily converted, and a second goal from Casanova gave the Bridge a two goal cushion. 10 minutes of gritty, resolute defending by the female quartet of The Girlfriend, Clean Sheets, Born to Be, and a hungover Wondergoal – who collectively looked as sweet and innocent as you might expect a Bach string quartet to look, but tackled as ferociously as you might expect Destruction, Holy Moses or some other Teutonic Thrash Metal band to tackle – earned the first W of the season.
I have never listened to Teutonic Thrash Metal.
There are more colours [sic.] in our league table than there are teams, and I understand it about as well as I understand every American’s obsession with Chick-Fil-A, but on the surface it does seem that we are now in a rather heroic 5th place out of 9 teams (if you include the two teams Finals and Semis, which I think we should).
The North Korea Democratically-Elected Player of the Match Award: For the most amazing three-pointer that has ever been or will ever be scored: Ben Elberger
* For skill, read luck
Friday 11 June 2010
First point!
Atlantic Bwidge 7 – 7 Cwazy Wabbits
Dwamatic late fightback earns first Bwidge point of the season.
With the weturn of fwagile superstar Blake “Twansylvania” Glidden, whose long list of injuwies this year makes Michael Owen look like Chuck Nowwis, and the debut of Nina “Clean Sheets” Vewwochi, the Bwidge started Sunday’s game against the Wabbits with an upbeat tempo, and took an early lead.
But the Wabbits were hopping mad, bounced stwaight back, and hared into the lead with thwee quick goals in weply, the last of them courtesy of the Elbow thinking that the passback wule was weserved for wugby. (Or maybe he had accepted a bung fwom the Wabbits to twy and fund his extortionately high match fees).
Twailing 3-2 at halftime, things got worse for the Bwidge early in the second half, when the Blunderbuss was caught in possession more flagwantly than a Jamaican hipster in Dolores Park, and the Wabbits capitalized on the mistake to make it 4-2. And when more ewwors at the back left the Bwidge twailing 7-4 with only 10 minutes left on the clock, things looked blake [sic.].
But an innovative “Blitz(-kwieg)” formation, an indomitable team spiwit, and the pwolific Casanova’s third and fourth goals combined to pwoduce a dwamatic comeback, and a 7-7 dwaw – a wesult that was made even sweeter by the perplexing petulance of the Wabbits, whose captain wefused to shake hands after the game.
But then again, to pawaphwase Geward “Yoda” Niemiwa, “if your opponents aren’t Blaspheming, you ain’t doing something wight yet”.
The North Kowea Democwatically-Elected Player of the Match Award: Steve Cox
And in case you didn’t pick up on the subtle hints, our vewy own Twansylvania had an article posted on Yahoo! Sports! It weveals that he once played on the same team as Bwian McBwide. But then again, Bwian McBwide is pwobably going awound telling all his fwiends that he once played on the same team as someone who now plays on the same team as Liz Berliant.
Dwamatic late fightback earns first Bwidge point of the season.
With the weturn of fwagile superstar Blake “Twansylvania” Glidden, whose long list of injuwies this year makes Michael Owen look like Chuck Nowwis, and the debut of Nina “Clean Sheets” Vewwochi, the Bwidge started Sunday’s game against the Wabbits with an upbeat tempo, and took an early lead.
But the Wabbits were hopping mad, bounced stwaight back, and hared into the lead with thwee quick goals in weply, the last of them courtesy of the Elbow thinking that the passback wule was weserved for wugby. (Or maybe he had accepted a bung fwom the Wabbits to twy and fund his extortionately high match fees).
Twailing 3-2 at halftime, things got worse for the Bwidge early in the second half, when the Blunderbuss was caught in possession more flagwantly than a Jamaican hipster in Dolores Park, and the Wabbits capitalized on the mistake to make it 4-2. And when more ewwors at the back left the Bwidge twailing 7-4 with only 10 minutes left on the clock, things looked blake [sic.].
But an innovative “Blitz(-kwieg)” formation, an indomitable team spiwit, and the pwolific Casanova’s third and fourth goals combined to pwoduce a dwamatic comeback, and a 7-7 dwaw – a wesult that was made even sweeter by the perplexing petulance of the Wabbits, whose captain wefused to shake hands after the game.
But then again, to pawaphwase Geward “Yoda” Niemiwa, “if your opponents aren’t Blaspheming, you ain’t doing something wight yet”.
The North Kowea Democwatically-Elected Player of the Match Award: Steve Cox
And in case you didn’t pick up on the subtle hints, our vewy own Twansylvania had an article posted on Yahoo! Sports! It weveals that he once played on the same team as Bwian McBwide. But then again, Bwian McBwide is pwobably going awound telling all his fwiends that he once played on the same team as someone who now plays on the same team as Liz Berliant.
Tuesday 25 May 2010
There's an I in TEIAM
Atlantic Bridge 4 – 5 TEIAM
The Bridge go down fighting in narrow defeat to league leaders.
The third Atlantic Bridge game of the season, and the first chronicled, saw significant changes to the team, with the return of co-captains and fiancées Jonny Price and Ali Carroll, and the Ella Hill debuts of no fewer than four female stars in Caitlyn Toombs, Liz Berliant, Teg Awesome and Carroll herself.
The afternoon got off to an awkward start when, during the pre-match team-talk, Price mistakenly (and perhaps a little nostalgically) referred to Carroll as his “girlfriend”. But this relational faux pas was soon forgotten, as the Bridge began the match in fantastic style. The Gallic flair and languid elegance of Alex “Laurent Blanc” Pouchard perfectly complemented the tenacious tackling of Nathan “The Terrier” Akers, and the dynamism and energy of Steve “Casanova” Cox, who netted twice in a pulsating opening 10 minutes, to put The Bridge 2-0 up.
However, the tide soon began to turn, and despite the heroic and inspiringly courageous efforts of Ben “The Elbow” Elberger in the Bridge goal, TEIAM scored twice in quick succession to level the scoring. At this point, Price made the first of his many tactical errors in the match, opting to replace The Elbow with himself, based on his controversial “swap goalies after two goals” selection policy. Needless to say, the switch backfired, with Price conceding two more goals faster than you could say “goalkeeping abilities of a walnut”, leaving the Bridge trailing 4-2 at half-time.
The second half begun brightly however, as the Bridge’s quartet of female debutantes (definitely in the non-Southern sense of the word) began to exert significant influence on the game. In her comeback from a long-term injury, Teg “Garrincha” Awesome made it look as if she had never left the game, with a dazzling display of silky skills on the right wing. Liz “The Engine” Berliant made some vital interceptions and goal-saving challenges. Ali “The Girlfriend” Carroll swept up at the back with as much ruthless efficiency as Price hopes she will bring to their imminent marital home. And after Price had pulled one goal back, Caitlyn “Wondergoal” Toombs claimed both “plays of the day”, with a bone-crunching (unfortunately her own) tackle on our opponent’s biggest and best player, and a breathtaking, exquisite, equalizing, net-busting, superlatives-exhausting screamer of a half-volley from long-range.
Although all the momentum looked to be with the Bridge, it was TEIAM who scored the next, and decisive, goal to take a 5-4 lead, and in a climactic last minute of the match, Jonny “Blunderbuss” Price tragically failed to capitalize on a gilt-edged opportunity to tie the scores, demonstrating that the poverty of his tactical nous is matched only by his woeful ability in front of goal.
But although the result was a cruel and disappointing one, it was a performance from which the Bridge can take heart. TEIAM have won every game of the season so far, while our next opponents have lost every game (OK so it’s only two games, but let’s not dwell on specifics).
The only question that remains is whether the club will survive the tumultuous financial scandal that has engulfed it in the last couple of days, amidst claims on the part of some players (principally The Girlfriend) that The Blunderbuss is raiding the Bridge’s bank account for his own personal gain. The Blunderbuss declined to comment on the allegations on Sunday night, as he left the ground in his sparkly new Ferrari.
The North Korea Democratically-Elected Player of the Match Award: Caitlyn Toombs
The Bridge go down fighting in narrow defeat to league leaders.
The third Atlantic Bridge game of the season, and the first chronicled, saw significant changes to the team, with the return of co-captains and fiancées Jonny Price and Ali Carroll, and the Ella Hill debuts of no fewer than four female stars in Caitlyn Toombs, Liz Berliant, Teg Awesome and Carroll herself.
The afternoon got off to an awkward start when, during the pre-match team-talk, Price mistakenly (and perhaps a little nostalgically) referred to Carroll as his “girlfriend”. But this relational faux pas was soon forgotten, as the Bridge began the match in fantastic style. The Gallic flair and languid elegance of Alex “Laurent Blanc” Pouchard perfectly complemented the tenacious tackling of Nathan “The Terrier” Akers, and the dynamism and energy of Steve “Casanova” Cox, who netted twice in a pulsating opening 10 minutes, to put The Bridge 2-0 up.
However, the tide soon began to turn, and despite the heroic and inspiringly courageous efforts of Ben “The Elbow” Elberger in the Bridge goal, TEIAM scored twice in quick succession to level the scoring. At this point, Price made the first of his many tactical errors in the match, opting to replace The Elbow with himself, based on his controversial “swap goalies after two goals” selection policy. Needless to say, the switch backfired, with Price conceding two more goals faster than you could say “goalkeeping abilities of a walnut”, leaving the Bridge trailing 4-2 at half-time.
The second half begun brightly however, as the Bridge’s quartet of female debutantes (definitely in the non-Southern sense of the word) began to exert significant influence on the game. In her comeback from a long-term injury, Teg “Garrincha” Awesome made it look as if she had never left the game, with a dazzling display of silky skills on the right wing. Liz “The Engine” Berliant made some vital interceptions and goal-saving challenges. Ali “The Girlfriend” Carroll swept up at the back with as much ruthless efficiency as Price hopes she will bring to their imminent marital home. And after Price had pulled one goal back, Caitlyn “Wondergoal” Toombs claimed both “plays of the day”, with a bone-crunching (unfortunately her own) tackle on our opponent’s biggest and best player, and a breathtaking, exquisite, equalizing, net-busting, superlatives-exhausting screamer of a half-volley from long-range.
Although all the momentum looked to be with the Bridge, it was TEIAM who scored the next, and decisive, goal to take a 5-4 lead, and in a climactic last minute of the match, Jonny “Blunderbuss” Price tragically failed to capitalize on a gilt-edged opportunity to tie the scores, demonstrating that the poverty of his tactical nous is matched only by his woeful ability in front of goal.
But although the result was a cruel and disappointing one, it was a performance from which the Bridge can take heart. TEIAM have won every game of the season so far, while our next opponents have lost every game (OK so it’s only two games, but let’s not dwell on specifics).
The only question that remains is whether the club will survive the tumultuous financial scandal that has engulfed it in the last couple of days, amidst claims on the part of some players (principally The Girlfriend) that The Blunderbuss is raiding the Bridge’s bank account for his own personal gain. The Blunderbuss declined to comment on the allegations on Sunday night, as he left the ground in his sparkly new Ferrari.
The North Korea Democratically-Elected Player of the Match Award: Caitlyn Toombs
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