There's an I in TEIAM

Atlantic Bridge 4 – 5 TEIAM

The Bridge go down fighting in narrow defeat to league leaders.

The third Atlantic Bridge game of the season, and the first chronicled, saw significant changes to the team, with the return of co-captains and fiancées Jonny Price and Ali Carroll, and the Ella Hill debuts of no fewer than four female stars in Caitlyn Toombs, Liz Berliant, Teg Awesome and Carroll herself.

The afternoon got off to an awkward start when, during the pre-match team-talk, Price mistakenly (and perhaps a little nostalgically) referred to Carroll as his “girlfriend”. But this relational faux pas was soon forgotten, as the Bridge began the match in fantastic style. The Gallic flair and languid elegance of Alex “Laurent Blanc” Pouchard perfectly complemented the tenacious tackling of Nathan “The Terrier” Akers, and the dynamism and energy of Steve “Casanova” Cox, who netted twice in a pulsating opening 10 minutes, to put The Bridge 2-0 up.

However, the tide soon began to turn, and despite the heroic and inspiringly courageous efforts of Ben “The Elbow” Elberger in the Bridge goal, TEIAM scored twice in quick succession to level the scoring. At this point, Price made the first of his many tactical errors in the match, opting to replace The Elbow with himself, based on his controversial “swap goalies after two goals” selection policy. Needless to say, the switch backfired, with Price conceding two more goals faster than you could say “goalkeeping abilities of a walnut”, leaving the Bridge trailing 4-2 at half-time.

The second half begun brightly however, as the Bridge’s quartet of female debutantes (definitely in the non-Southern sense of the word) began to exert significant influence on the game. In her comeback from a long-term injury, Teg “Garrincha” Awesome made it look as if she had never left the game, with a dazzling display of silky skills on the right wing. Liz “The Engine” Berliant made some vital interceptions and goal-saving challenges. Ali “The Girlfriend” Carroll swept up at the back with as much ruthless efficiency as Price hopes she will bring to their imminent marital home. And after Price had pulled one goal back, Caitlyn “Wondergoal” Toombs claimed both “plays of the day”, with a bone-crunching (unfortunately her own) tackle on our opponent’s biggest and best player, and a breathtaking, exquisite, equalizing, net-busting, superlatives-exhausting screamer of a half-volley from long-range.

Although all the momentum looked to be with the Bridge, it was TEIAM who scored the next, and decisive, goal to take a 5-4 lead, and in a climactic last minute of the match, Jonny “Blunderbuss” Price tragically failed to capitalize on a gilt-edged opportunity to tie the scores, demonstrating that the poverty of his tactical nous is matched only by his woeful ability in front of goal.

But although the result was a cruel and disappointing one, it was a performance from which the Bridge can take heart. TEIAM have won every game of the season so far, while our next opponents have lost every game (OK so it’s only two games, but let’s not dwell on specifics).

The only question that remains is whether the club will survive the tumultuous financial scandal that has engulfed it in the last couple of days, amidst claims on the part of some players (principally The Girlfriend) that The Blunderbuss is raiding the Bridge’s bank account for his own personal gain. The Blunderbuss declined to comment on the allegations on Sunday night, as he left the ground in his sparkly new Ferrari.

The North Korea Democratically-Elected Player of the Match Award: Caitlyn Toombs